I have quite a bit of free times these days, being a jobless bum and all, and how to fill up my time is a daily problem. After job hunting, stats, and catching up with people, I am often at a loss for something to occupy my time. Enter ECM. The church offers free sexuality classes on Monday nights at 7pm. Free is good. Different speakers are brought in and numerous topics are discussed. Tonight’s topic was intimacy. Here’s some of what I gleaned:
Intimacy is the human need/ability to experience emotional closeness with another human being. In the context of a relationship, the closeness is reciprocated. Which basically means that the level of emotional risk-taking is the same. To experience intimacy, a person must continue/maintain a sense of individual autonomy. In short, you don’t need someone else to tell you that you are, in fact, a good and decent human being. And lastly, a person has to be okay with being alone. Another way to define intimacy is that it’s the choice we make to be known by others because we have an interest in being known.
Hmmm……..chewy.
A lot of this advice sounded like it came from my mom, in different words of course. But the idea about both people taking the same amount of risk was rather new to me. Or at least I hadn’t thought of it like that before. And speaking of mothers, Daily brought up the idea that there are two types of parents: cloners and gardeners. Cloners do their best to raise copies of themselves. Gardeners create a “soil” rich in knowledge, ideas, and experiences from everywhere and then pretty much sit back and see what kinda plant comes up. This does not mean that they do not instill morals or rationality into their children, it just means that they step back and let their kids be whoever the heck they are. The problem with raising clones is that the love of the parents ends up feeling conditional to the kids. Gardener’s love feels unconditional.
Daily also had a lot of good advice about how to interact with your partner in a way that is healthy for both people. The one that struck me the most was the problem of being a helper. If your partner comes to you with a problem and you automatically start in with advice, the wrong message gets sent. Sometimes, the person with the problem feels as if their partner assumes that they aren’t capable. Moral of the story: wait until the other person asks for help.
Another point made was the fact that people get married too young and for the wrong reasons. Too young because they haven’t created their “self” yet. There are a lot of people who walk down the aisle in order to gain a permanent source of affirmation. Both can end up being toxic years down the line. I’m fairly certain that most folks have attended a wedding where you know that the couple in bliss is making one of the above mentioned mistakes. Granted, there are a lot of people that work through it. There are also a lot that don’t.
So overall, good class. While there were times that I inwardly cringed at some of my habits, I feel that it was one hour of my life well spent.
Honestly, now. 