Honestly, now.

The pressure continues to built.  Find a plan.  Find a career.  Figure things out.  It’s not just me that’s adding pressure, but it IS mostly me.  I feel it every time I see that someone I know got a new job or had a kid.  I can’t help but think, “What am I doing?”  It’s the ever-evasive sense of purpose.  I’ve changed my plans so many times that I can’t remember.  Every time someone asks, “When are you coming home?” it’s just a little more added.  It’s not that I’m not trying.  I have a growing collection of self-help books.  From “What Color Is Your Parachute?” to book about dealing with procrastination.  And yes, I’ve read them.

Today a coworker asked me how I was doing.  And she really wanted to know.  So I told her.  I said, “It’s just one of those days where I feel like I don’t like the world and the world doesn’t like me back.”  This has been going on for several days.  I’d blame the weather, but unless I have a strange allergy to perfect spring days, that doesn’t really hold.  I think my inconsistency bothers me.  Actually, I know it does. I’m still envious of those people who know what’s going on in their lives.

Part of me wants to resign myself to the fact that I may never find that perfect career.  The other part of me demands that the search continue.  In the meantime, I’m not sure which direction I should take.

So here’s the plan for this year.  Finish my contract.  Travel.  Go to Thailand and take a CELTA course (a certificate for teaching English as a second language).  Come back home for Christmas.  Go back to Korea and try for a university job.  In between, I want to get at least ten stories written and sent out.  I want to get better at Tae Kwon Do and I want to lose about fifteen pounds.   That’s the plan.

For now.

I know how you feel. When I was still in college, I had never said “when I get done, I’m going to do this”. And while, yes, I like my job right now and I like Lawrence, I know there’s more for me than what’s here and at Borders. And if nothing else, you’ve got a plan. I’m just … swimming.

I also know that you’ll figure it out, or, if you’re not destined to figure it out, you’ll find something that fits.

Heck of a market out there for travel writing, if nothing else …

Comment by Mike 16/03/2008 @ 01:46

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One is supposed to have a plan? Uh oh.

On a slightly more serious note, for what it’s worth, you may find that you have several perfect careers, or that your career shifts over time as you learn more and encounter new opportunities. Meanwhile, work at something worthwhile that you enjoy and take advantage of new opportunities that come your way…and you’re already doing these things. Also, make sure that you are contributing to your retirement fund, even in a very modest way. You knew that was coming

Comment by Lisa 16/03/2008 @ 02:11

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Good luck! I don’t know a single person that didn’t worry about their future. It’s hard to make yourself analyze your future even though it’s something that’s been driven into us for years. From childhood, we have been asked what we want to be when we grow up. Starting off from high school where/what do we want to do in college. From college, where will we work? Good for you to embrace the fact that you’re not so near-sighted that you miss the bigger picture: There are too many constituents like color and texture to focus on menial things like fine brush stroke lines. Contrary to popular belief, a profession or income is not the ruler to measure a man/woman and it certainly shouldn’t define you.

Comment by Qing 15/04/2008 @ 20:46

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